Birthday gifts

16 June 2013 • 6.53pm • The Celtic Club Melbourne (la trobe/queen)

Lonely, I really do feel lonely, especially this time around.

It's one of the loneliest that I've been since the unfortunate birthday that everyone forgotten and dad got a pathetic CD of music that I don't care for from pasar malam.

Oh Sorry, I shan't be this harsh to my dad since he did provide and support me since the day when I was born and stuff.

Happy Father's Day to you daddy. May you always feel loved and cared for.

So the past few weeks have been pretty shit. The roommate has been throwing tantrum and bringing boys to OUR room to consummate their premarital sexual relations. I'm not quick to judge, being in the same boat and all, just that I did make it abundantly clear about me feeling uncomfortable about her bringing her newly labeled bf to OUR room. Evidently my feeling is of little importance to her.

Afterall I did TRY TO LIGHTEN HER FINANCIAL BURDEN AND ALL.

That aside, the bf not being here really took a piece of heart away. Feeling incomplete, at a dead end job, with a inconsiderate roommate, not being loved and respected in the mag,I am in fact feeling pathetic. Being in a beautiful city that I love and feeling empty is such a waste. Why can't I truly feel happy... Having a full time that I prayed and prayed for so hard same time last year.

How time can change... Why can't I be happy living in the moment.

Such a loser I am, can't even govern my feelings properly. Pathetic excuse of a human being.

Super pathetic. Always feeling depressed over stupid little things.

Why can't I be stronger and do more in my life?

Why am I always looking back to feel stupid about the decisions I make?

That's why I don't feel like celebrating my birthday. There is absolutely nothin about me that people can celebrate about me. In these 25 years, i have done nothing that I have been proud of. Never accomplished anything and cruising through life has been my strong suit.

Think I'm just gonna exist in isolation like the lotus eater later years for the rest of my life... Affect no one, harming no one with my idiotic idealism of a positively simple world.

Nothing is simple in this life apparently.



Sent from my iPhone

Tears of hatred

As anger overflows out of her pain-filled heart, she can't help but feel blistering waves of hatred rushed to her throat..

More often than not, she finds that the green-eyed monster in her can't help but sneer hostilely at lovey-dovey couples, whiling choking back the tears of jealousy, resentment and love she once had.

Hate/Love relationship

So the talk we had was uneventful..

... Well maybe not uneventful but at least you have now cleared any shadow of doubt that I have.

Since I came to the realisation and acceptance that our goals are no long aligned, your suggestion to "continue talking about it" renders me helpless. What's the point of "talking about it" when a decision has been made? Isn't this just a colossal waste of time?

More importantly, are we... A waste of time?

This is tiresome. Even you agree that we are unhappy in our current predicament. Being 6378km away does take a toll on us.. As I said, both of us being adamant and contented about our lives are not going to bring us any closer.. Wishful thinking doesn't physically unite 2 people too.

At least now I know that you have no intention of coming back to Melbourne in the next 2.5 years. The flashes of mirage of us being together in Melbourne; being silly together, cooking the simple meals like we did; sitting by the riverbank overlooking the river; be in each others' arms in a cold cold winter night will remain images that I conjured up in my stupid little weak mind.

There is not a day that passes by that I don't think of you by my side. Sometimes I even speak of you like you're beside me going through/seeing what I see. Then I'll have to remind myself that there's 6378km between us and you're not next to me.

Now that you've put your thoughts out into the ether, there are no backsies. I don't wanna live another day without you.. I don't wanna live in an environment where I'm robbed of my sense of belonging and security either. Remember the last time I was back in msia, it was around 7pm and a simple request of taking a stroll in the park is considered "too dangerous".

I'm robbed either way.. What's the point of choosing? By the looks of it, I have more to loose in the latter.

Emma's right. It doesn't matter how many wonderful/happy memories you have together, it will come a day that you'll exhaust your database of these tear-jerkingly diabetic memories and all that's left is yourself, drenched in tears, alone.

I imagine that if I return to settle back in msia, I'll resent the fact that I did. I'll hate the polluted air, the warm climate, the stupid & ridiculous heavy traffic, the low salary & currency, the crime, the constant alert for kidnappers and burglars.. I'll hate you too for not being strong and brave enough to embark on this adventure with me.

How romantic could this have been!!!

We could have been living on a meagre salary but this meagre salary was earned with our bare hands.. Where we'll be happy in our own little world, where you'll be mine again.

I guess it boils down to the fear of losing you. Losing you to everyone else and I'm left with nothing.

Maybe I do not mean as much to u as I made it out to be. Maybe this ridiculous plan of settling down together is too much to ask for, too much sacrifices had to be made for it to happen; for us to happen.

Now that you have clearly stated your reasons to stay put, the ball is in my yard and a decision has to be made.

The thing is, I could have let sleeping dogs lie.. But I didn't. On the other hand, the suspense is clearly chipping my patience at an unprecedented rate. My stomach churns and I'll be overcame by a vortex of confusion, hatred, love, anger, fear, longing.. Spiralling in a cesspool of negative thoughts. I'll subsequently feel guilty and disgusting for being the obstacle separating us from our happily ever after.

You asked if you are the one that is holding me back. How can you not be a major reason in my life choices? You are a part of me.

I don't think the feeling is mutual