Hate this shyt.

10 July 2012 * 3.55pm * Glenny's Dinning Table

Maybe I still haven't gotten over the fact that Lit has already bought the ticket back home and he's definitely flying home this Sunday. I'm so angry at the whole situation... why can't he find a job here... why can't he just get his fcking ielts and get a PR... Why is the system so tough. It's not like he wasn't trying.. he tried and he didn't get it.. I don't think it's his fault and this country is anal about chasing away the best and brightest. Fck that.

... The fact is I'm so tired of fighting against the odds to stay afloat while desperately clinging to the stuff and people that I love and treasure. I do admit I haven't put up my best fight for myself... I'm just angry that after the time and effort put into getting his ielts, that he didn't get what he deserved.

Life is not supposed to be this tough... is it?

... and really, I don't know when we'll be able to get together.. again. Fck.

..................................


On another note, I was travelling to the city to meet up with the magazine gang as usual at around 10 in the morning. As usual, I walked to Clayton/North Rd to catch a bus to Huntingdale station. I was so caught up with writing an email to Antony that I almost missed the green light for pedestrian at the junction. A guy in the trailer honked at me to ask me to cross the road. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up in return.


Glad to know that there are still good Samaritans in the world =)

Frustration besieged...

25 June 2012 * 7.40am * Glenny's Living Room

Life is such. Just as I begin to forget that Lit's going back to Malaysia for good, reality creeps back to bug me.

It sucks.

It really does.

Turning 24.. What's the Hoo-ha?

8.28pm * 18 June 2012 * Glenny's Kitchen

Yesterday, I was 24 years old. It was really lovely... the way Lit planned the day.. Slotted in a full body massage near Melbourne Central and it was fantabulous! lol... the masseur, a relatively young Chinese lady touched my neck and said "oo, your shoulders are really stiff and your legs are tired!". Yea, no kidding. Been working on 9am-8pm shifts few days in a row will do THAT to you.. let alone to a 24 year old body.

lol. I was rocking shifts like those throughout Summer of 2009 and if memory serves me right, I was up and ready to work the very next day. Hell, I can even make time for gym sessions after a day's work.

Last month during Lit's birthday, I was so puzzled by his sudden melancholy. We have been demotivated and stressed about the uneventful job hunt for sure but he had always put up a tough and positive front... Maybe he had been my rock for too long that I took him for granted. He's just a human being... like me.

I, too, felt that melancholy has enveloped me. It's hard not to think about stuff that you have not achieved.. Jobless and living in limbo... the cherry on top was to have your boyfriend leave the country for good... by the end of this month. Leaving... after your birthday. All the more reason to cast a grey cloud over your birthday. But if by participating and having something to celebrate can serve as a temporary bandaid over the pandora's box of problems.. I'll gladly oblige.

The day was just that. Had a great lunch date in Shoya on Lt Bourke St... the Set Lunch was $38 and MASSIVE. We had to skip and run over from Melbourne Central to Shoya because I got a complimentary 10 minutes from Royal City Oriental Massage =)) The Massage was worth every cents! I think the lady got so worked up trying to rid me of my butt knots. Really. Apparently the knots near my hips and butts area were troubling. Wonder what I did to cause that...

Lit went to through the trouble to get Jing Yi and Cheer Ray out of their respective lives to have a drink with me in Koko Black.. So tempted to have that saliva-inducing Ice Mocha but my stomach was at its capacity after the bountiful afternoon degustation! Gahh!! I'll shall have that in my next visit then =(  It's great seeing the couple of them again.. It's been a while.. I found out how much Jing Yi has grown! From whining over the nauseating train ride to Clayton to visit me.. to working in Springvale 5 days a week. Boy, we would do anything for a job huh?

Anyway, we then headed home for the 'surprise' party.. which let's face it.. it's pretty much expected. It was great having friends over.. enjoying a good meal cooked by Lit.. pork ribs, chicken wings, salmon wrapped in rice paper and garlic bread.. The best part was the ice cream cake baked by Lit. That guy.. for a first time baker.. he HAD to choose something THAT HARD. The truth is, I'm so proud of him... =)) He really made that Betty Crocker devil chocolate cake his own!

If you're reading this, think you might has noticed the change of tone half way through this post. Even though I would love to dwell on the past wrong-doings.. but really it doesn't do anyone any good. The important part is to pick yourself up and soldier on right? Think I'mma get a rubber band around my wrist and 'snap' away these negative thoughts.

In fact, I think The Malaysian Magazine is sort of like a birthday present, for me to do good by me. lol.. if that even make sense. It won't be easy but I have faith in Joyce =) lol. She'll be the great leader to lead us on~

Well, being 24 years and 1 day old today.. I think I should focus on what I can do to make my life better. Think it'll just be a beginning of my obstacle-filled but exciting future =)

Peacefulness, is it such a bad thing?

29 March 2012 . Our Quarters in Glenny. 5.34am.


So this is what it takes to make an instant gratification seeking 24 year old with an attention span of a gold fish and a memory of Dory from Finding Nemo (which is extremely misleading because for a long time I thought that was the Dory Fish that we enjoy oh so much) to sit down with minimal distraction and start her long awaited introspection.


It's almost 6 in the morning, here I am, sitting in a dark room, staring at the dimly-lit computer screen with a cup of Nestum with Milo and Coffee, awake. This was a frequent occurrence back in the day in Sun-U Residence and I would not hesitate to reach for the phone to enlist the services of Jaafar Mamak or the awesomely De-lish spicy chicken from McD. If Cynthia was not around, I would open the glass door to look out to the then deserted mining pool which came to be known as Taylor's Lakeside Campus while unsuspecting and rare vehicles zoomed through the road leading towards Monash & Sunway Campuses, where shadows of trees and buildings come to play.


Fast forward to Howitt. Gosh I really liked that place. A place to myself, a really cushy bed, 24 hours heater (especially handy during winter), friends within arms' reach (not literally), kept me nice and safe.. not unlike a bomb shelter that shielded me from the harsh realities of real life... what's not to like? I really felt like a protected princess up in my 5th floor castle where I have to exit the vicinity through the woods by the lake. Such happy times. I have endless source of entertainment from the prolific DC++ artists. For deeper contemplation and getting in touch with my higher consciousness, there's the study overlooking the short Deakin Hall, next to the basketball court. I still remember the once pungent carpet smell that slowly grew to become the smell of Howitt, the smell of home.

One thing led to another, the chapter led me, us, to Marshyland. It was a time of extremities. So 4 of us decided that we could live with each other for the next 12 months.. and such joyous times we had. Uni pretty much kept us occupied most of the time but we didn't mind each other's company. At times, interesting experimental culinary boundaries were exceeded and records of goals were broken. Literally goals from PES that the boys were so obsessed with and which I did not feel captivated enough to partake. Marshyland was a commonplace for the other friends to drop by, hang out, get drunk and pass out. There's a certain sense of community where sleepless nights entails defrosting leftover pizzas, cans of mother and strategically located potato chips (inside joke =p) over similarly dark room with the occasional knocks on the door when he was either worried or bored and wanted to check up on me... He would normally come in and sit down in the corner to observe and trying hard not to interfere while I floundered on dry land, drown in my own misdoings and desperately gasping for air.


So I guess the good lord decided I was not horrible enough to send Armageddon and utter annihilation my way.. The outcome in December 2011 was hanging precariously on a line, above the fence separating sold ground from an abyss of hell fire where my life could have spun out of control; where I haven't had the courage to look into when July 2011 hits me. I was not extremely proud of what went down in the past 2 years but there is certainly pride of a war veteran. Despite all that was said and done, I am truly glad and thankful that I got where I am now. I have such supporting people around me, a really caring boy whom I care just as much about. The boy who is tugged in cosily under blankee 1 and 3, the boy who was the inspiration for this dark room at this ungodly time. 


Even though the quarter in Glenny is a stark difference to my castle in MRS and observation tower in Sunway.... although it does not serve as a drive by nor free car park for our peers... It is like our private little hideout where I come back from BusyBee 5-6 days a week to disappear to, with you =)  It is not just because of the sofa made of cotton candy that one melt into while watching the 49" screen of awesome clarity... It is you that made this transitional period bearable. Well at least I hope it's transitional and not permanent. 


3 minutes past 7am. The past hour and a half crept by with the jazzy vocals of Lana Del Ray's Pawn Shop Blues on repeat. Who cares who she was or that she was plastic on SNL's performance. I do like her most of the songs on Born to Die even though this country jazzy song has been on the replay for a while now and I'm still not bored of it.


At this point, I really don't know what the future holds. Frankly, I'm really terrified of where I could end up in 5 years. The sanguine feeling I have now seems to stem from the fundamentally complacent situation. Still fresh from the afterglow of graduation, showing up at my closing on to 3 years' part time job as a main source of income and coming home to a loving, albeit worrisome boy who is troubled over his lack of luck in the 3 months long job-search and his frustrating 0.5 points from a perfect quadruple 8s on the unfortunate IELTS test for the second time. To make matters worse, the consumption of my first attempt in making almond and berry biscotti on Monday left him with a nagging sore jaw in the past few days. Maybe my self-destructive tendencies swayed to target him instead.  


Poor, sweet boy he is. 


Well, I guess this turned out to be a rather romantic and nostalgic entry instead of an introspective attempt to unravel the bundle of crazy that is me. it's 7.19am... I was supposed to get up at 7.35am to catch a bus to Clayton Rd for some freelance thing. lol. First assignment and I really can't wait to see the nuts and bolts of a well-oiled bank. They requested that I look professional... so i guess t-shirt and jeans do not make the cut. It's not a highly paid task but I am not complaining about this one-off additional pocket money in the mean time =)

Deja Vu

4.10pm * 24 Oct 2011 * Hargraves

Staring at the gloomy borderline depressing looking sky... I felt like I've been trapped in a wormhole where the world stood still.

In reality, I was hiding in a cave refusing to acknowledge that the world is moving on without the slightest thought of me.. Much to Ptolemy's dismay, there are bigger things than this small ball of dirt, operating without much care or thought over this insignificant pixel we called Earth.

Carry a synoptic lens and look at the big picture =)

Productivity

12 oct 2011 • 3:48am • my quarters in marshyland
Less than an hour in after Facebook lockdown, i plunged into productivity alongside screeching vocals of secondhand serenade.

... Anyhoo~ it's official.

HappyOneeeeYeearrrrrAnddddOneeeeeMonthhhhhAnnnniiivvverrweeeeee~

Zoom zoom Zumba.

Owh, did I tell you about the time that I was in my first ever Zumba class?

Being a Zumba virgin myself, I was up for the challenge! I was half-hearted before... then when I was about to proceed to the Gym, I met Tran, my boss from Busy Bee. She was like, hey, let's go! don't think about it. I was telling her that it only cost $10 extra per moth for classes, she was like, COME ON already. 

lol. well, she is fit. so i was like.. sure. 

Then the horror started. ok, I exaggerated a tad there. The class wasn't bad. It's like a little hip hop and some salsa moves (from my recollection). all in all, I expect stiffness in the muscle the next day. But all's well! I felt relax... happy... AND THENN the horror started.

it struck my on Saturday evening. OWH THE HORROR! I felt chest pains like I've never felt before.I couldn't even lift my notebook bag without feeling like someone's cracked open my chest when I was doing these small normal task. I went through with the whole treasure hunt thing using QR code for Lit to figure out where his Crumpler bag was... that's a story for another day =)))

anyhoo, I was in PAIN! I don't know what to do with myself. Normally I would just sleep it off and the next day, it'll normally be fine and dainty. BUT NOOOO.. it was as bad the next day.

Sunday was supposed to be our pre-anniversary outing. he planned this fancy-schmancy dinner in Cumulus (that was yet to be revealed till Monday) thinking that we'll both be busy on Monday.

I was feeling better, with the chest cracking thing and stuff.. Keep thinking if this is how I would "go". then I turned to the oracle, Google. I kinda came to conclusion that it could be muscle inflammation that caused the hoo-ha.. just to be sure, went to the doctors on Monday and they kindly slotted me in with a 15 minutes wait.

weighing the pros and cons of possible death on one hand and more sleep on the other, possible death won by a nose. The doctor confirmed my suspicion and snickered at my predicament. 

she was like: "you did... what?"

I was like: "erm, Zumba.. Well, it could be because that I haven't been exercising for 2 weeks and was rotting away in the library since 10 in the morning on Friday.. and the pain persist till today, thought I would check it out with you"

she tried to hold back her chuckles: "yea, it'll probably go away... sorry, so what do you do in Zumba classes again?"

Visual note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUO8jrebx-o

we did do like TONS of THIS.

I ended up doing a really embarrassingly slow version of the chest shake dance, in PAIN. 

That concludes the story of my first Zumba lesson. 

Moral of the story: Zumba can cause costochondritis.. if not done properly.

Gherkin

8 sept 2011 • 1pm • hargraves

De Botton:
What we seek in architectural design is to make up for what we are lacking of, on the inside. Eg. The simple designs with subtle sophistication are highly sought after in progressive societies.

So what does London's Gherkin represent, in the context of contemporary Londoners?

*hint* Gherkin is frequently used to describe one of the human body parts.

Sent from my iPhone

Go Ape on 23rd =)

Time: 2.05pm

Date: 20 June 2011

Location: Hargrave.

wow. finally Jun's-omg-totally-awesome-once-in-a-lifetime-turning-23rd-birthday-celebration-yay! week has passed and it PASSED by SO.FAST.

Well, I may have made it looked way more than what happened by the intentionally bimbotic name but really, I had a really nice day =)

I kinda unofficially took the week off, mentally. Was really fun floating in Lala land for a while...

Well, the day started unlike any other.

Waking up with the delicious fragrance of scrambled eggs was delightful! He went through the trouble of preparing continental breakfast which plated hash-brown (elegantly split into two while he was flipping it..), scrambled eggs, garlic bread and a slice of crispy ham. He even made mushroom soup to wash it all down with..

So after some washing up, making-up, waking-up and much dilly-dally, we finally left home to head to the city... for my LONG AWAITED massage~ yea! I bought a voucher online and R sweetly booked the massage session for me couple of days ago =) So I made him promise me nothing but zas for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and Sweet Sixteen marathon for the whole day under the sheets, among other things. Sweet Sixteen was chosen just because he really can't stand it. lol. Needless to say that didn't happen... we ended up having a movie night watching 3 Idiots with the bunch instead. It was a pretty nice way to end to day =)

Sticking to the story, we were supposed to head to this pizza place on Flinders Ln (because I went on and on about having pizzas)... We did go to Flinders Ln alright.. but to Yu-U! that restaurant that I've been CRAVING for since the research I did for his birthday a month ago! wanted to go there during Sarah's belated bday celeb but didn't work out. The place was fully booked. when we were there, we realized they don't need that many people to fill up the place. Not really business minded btw... they could have maximize the usage of space to have host more customers.

Anyways, all is well! The food was so so but it's the whole initial excitement of having your 'dreams' come true was amazing... lol. I'm actually pretty easily satisfied. The restaurant was empty when we went, at 12. lol. never so punctual. Ordered Salmon bento and pork bento.. the price was reasonable. $18/set considering the generous portion.. Lit ordered Jap Plum alcohol drink and hot sake. lol. The sake was a little too strong but the plum was alright.

Then we walked around the city all the while having Lit told me that he was craving for Koko Black. Was a tad uncharacteristic of him but didn't put too much thought into it... It was drizzling but not too cold. we trammed and walked a little to Vimala near Lygon by 2pm for my massage~ the massage was pretty awesome... but really, I still miss Arokaya in Sunway. lol. All the while the poor guy has to scout for public bench adjacent to a restaurant that has outdoor heater to get some heat in the cold winter's day... OMG... if only I know this would happen earlier, i wouldn't plan the massage that day.

After that, he seemed to be in a rush checking his phone and watch every other minute when we trammed to Bourke st... i KNOW something's up but lucky him, the thought of Koko Black's Ice Mocha was occupying must of my RAM at that moment...

When we were in Koko Black, he asked for a table for 3 while I gestured for 2.. which was weird but I was too busy and distracted by chocolates and drinking Ice Mocha in my head. after a while Cheer Ray showed up. Haven't seen her in AGES... being us, we always have something to catch up and chattering over tea (of ice mocha and ice-cream) was simply not enough.

It was getting dark around 5... so we headed back. Conveniently, kar kien 'TEXTED' R while we were in Myers for a toilet hunt, to ask if we want to join him, Jer and Ean for dinner in Glen. Suspiciously convenient... I didn't wanna spoil his plan and played along. What a good company I was =)

Ofcourse we went to La Porchetta!! Finally having zas~ lol. it's like having all my favorite food in ONE day! everyone was there... to name a few Jerr, Kar Kien, Joe, Saab, Lam, Marie, Nic Ng, Flo, Pei Chern, Chu Ian, Caryn, Ben, Jerm, Amanda and even Gracia, lol. Then some of us came back home for some green tea, Red Rock Deli (thanksss) and 3 Idiots... which R's been going on and on since Feb. Aamir Khan was pwetty cute I would say =)

Being 23rd now.. I would say is not where I would imagine myself to be 5 years back. But I'm taking it one day at a time. Felt deflated and pointless some times to doing what I am supposed to be doing. I love who I'm with, the company I keep but not really the situation. I would admit that circumstances could have been better but really... it's a struggle to psycho myself... which I'm not doing very well in. In this extremely conflicted state... often felt the urge to press the restart button sometimes...

Guess all I'm saying is... thanks for the motivation and your ways of pulling me back from the insane side of the mental scale... All my weird antics... eg. I can't stand re-wearing socks coz it's icky but don't like showers... because I don't like the cold feeling after showering, even with the heater on... and you have to admit, showering is quite a hassle and it's not like I don't like to be clean. lol. and yea... thanks for the wonderful birthday =))

Headache journal

26/5/11 thurs - 12.08pm - Mathy lib.

holy... my headache is killing me... it comes in waves and alternate from the top back of my head to the lower left of the back of the my head... then to the right front middle of the head... blardy hell... today is indeed much better than yesterday...

when I run my fingers through my hair it's as if my scalp's supersensitive...

tuesday night i was woken up from my sleep coz my head threaten to explode... BLARDY HELL...

monday night was horrible too.. i slept 13 hours still don't feel much better.

URGGHHH! what's happening??

my primitive ears...

time: 7.41pm

date: 25 may 2011

location: mathy lib.

it amazing that till now.. the clarity of my earphones (with Grey's soundtrack =)) and the vividness of HDTV still amaze me.

lol. I literally unplugged my earphones from my computer to check if the music is from my earphones or from the speakers of my lappy.

=)

Time: 1.26am

Date: 23 May 2011

Location: R's quarter in Marshyland.

To the sweetest guy in the world sitting right in front of me right now blissfully unaware of this post...

Happy birthday =))

Hope you enjoyed the surprises I had in store for you today...

It has been a really long and exciting day for me too~

overcompensation.

Time: 2.07am

Date: 5 May 2011

Location: R's quarter in Marshyland.

It dawned upon me after listening to How Stuff Work's Stuff Mom Never Told You podcast (which I just stumbled upon recently and fell madly in love with) on male nurses that I realize why that dude was affectively displaying his overflowing of masculinity through the constant diversion of every simple conversations into indecent, borderline offensive sexual slur.

It happened in the last grad that I worked for Monash Club about 2 weeks ago. So there's this slightly matured (early 30s maybe) guy who's doing his masters in nursing upon the completion of Bachelors in paramedics in Monash that I met during that grad, aka my return to Monash Club in 2011 =)) Anyways, he was pretty fun at first as he understood the really lame innocent jokes I often throw... then he started getting a little weird by throwing jokes like getting high with a bong. That's still alright until he talked about turning me on and stuff... in a slightly less funny but more of a squint-eye in disbelief manner. Then he went on which some point I started to shut my mouth and smiled at him politely before cruising away to look busy doing something, somewhere else.

GOSH. I barely know you for 2 hours and don't think that we're at that juncture to talk about stuff like that... call me conservative but really... GOSH (imagine Napoleon Dynamite)... really?

I didn't put too much thought into it and till this evening it suddenly clicked. He could just be a boring ol'jerk who doesn't pay attention to what pours outa his traps OR there's a slight chance that he might be overcompensating for something... like... you know... studying nursing. Don't get me wrong, I do admire people with such aspiration to help others by being a nurse but maybe he's struggling with some image/identity issue that tagged along involuntarily with the course he chose?

if not, what would possess one to talk dirty dirty jokes to a near-stranger whom you just met moments ago, without being under the influence?

Actions from a caring mom...

LOL!!!

I have to be hawt for my kids....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFOtrPJ1aHE&feature=relmfu

reason to eat fat.

http://news.malaysia.msn.com/top-stories/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4789127

I'mma go on ketogenic diet from now on =)))

On a serious note, though this is not a remedy to the problem, glad they found an alternative to slow death of renal failure from diabetes. Many HIV patients are suffering from that due to side effects of antiretroviral treatments..

Prolific!!!

Prolific!!!! I AM PROLIFIC!!! THINK, WRITE!!! you CAN THINK, WRITE!!!

... positive self-affirmation can only bring me this far...

Quiet.

Date: 19 apr 2011

Time: 3.42pm

Location: Matheson.

hmmm, that odd calm swept over me again... for some reason...

haven't been back in Matheson, in a while... so much has changed yet not much. One thing's for sure, it's less boring.

Cooking awesome pork ribs (later stir-fried with XO sauce)

in the kitchen. where he belongs.

*evil grin* =)

owhh, I kinda signed us up for Mother's Day Classic on the 8th of May. I've never actually joined a marathon here before and this will be the second time after Ipoh International Run ages ago... which I did pretty badly. lol. Kinda regretting this coz he'll have legit reasons to ask me to go jogging with him!

Roger and I

Easter is rocking up soon... hmm... felt like going somewhere far... We'll see =)

7 months =)

Time: 5:41pm

Date: 11 April, 2011

Location: My Quarters in Marshyland =)

I realize that my parents can be a little dismissive sometimes of the complains I have... but for good reasons. Kids need to know some times things may seem like a humongous inconvenience

(obstacle) at the moment, years from then, it may just be another small dried cranberries in another hundreds of packets of trail mix in Coles.

*weird analogy I know. Been hooked on these babies ever since... and mixed dry roasted nuts pack! 2 delicious packets of goodness*

Well maybe dismissive might have been an inap

propriate adjective for their actions, it'll come to me (hopefully) by the end of this post. When I was younger, I was as accident prone as I am today. Just last week, I would come back from some where with bruises on my legs or something, without any recollection of falling down or knocking myself against any hard surfaces.

Anyway, my less than overbearing mom will normally pick me up when I fall down, inspect the bruise and brush/blow, as if to symbolically clean the bruises. Look at me, and say "see, nothing la" to me with a smiling face. After than she would hold my hand, and move on, acting like that incident didn't happen at all.

I think it's not because she couldn't care less. I think, she was just teaching me that if you fall down, you'll tend to feel less painful if you don't dwell on the bruises and pick on your wounds. My parents have always been wise like that...

Now, you took over the job of nagging/motivating me for the past few months... It felt really good to be appreciated.. It'll be 7 months of naggings, meals, outings, hanging out, skyping, cycling, studying and the wacky things we did together tomorrow... **All these while I keep thinking that it's our 6th monthiversary but clearly my inadequate knowledge in the application of simple math is not serving me well**

Thanks for all the love and support, and for being who you are... =)

... I remember.

Time: 5.02pm

Date: 10 April 2011

Location: Kitchen underneath my quarters, in Marshyland.

Same songs, awesome sun set, slightly chilly yet sunlit weather.. just the way I like it.

What happened? why do I always feel bored and tired lately?

really... I miss waking up and staring right into the blue skies with the lively clouds... the scent of the carpet maybe... or could be the clean toilet that has been washed moments ago.. ahh, I really miss the times I thought that life is so exciting! not knowing the what could happen in 2 days, in a weeks, or 2 month's time... the potential of such adventures!

The point is... I remember too much.. too much of the past feelings that I'm missing the adventure I'm in today. Listening to Anya Marina's SSSP suddenly brought shudders and that pleasantly refreshing breeze in June of 2009.. while I'm on the way to Uni. the freshly cut grass... the calm placid surface of lake, thinking ahh... This IS a new chapter.

... a new chapter that has been 3 years long.

What IS WRONG with me?

I should open my eyes and see the beauty around me... wake up... and smell the roses Jun, before it's too late... =)

Grey's Tribute?

Time: 11.27am

Date: 5 April 2011

Location: My Quarter in Marshyland.

Somehow I felt like Grey's season 7 episode 18 felt like a tribute to the previous seasons by using the soundtracks.

not that I'm complaining, actually it's nice to have a change.

they have nice voice too =))