Well this is just too bad for you then

20.1.2014 • 6.11pm • Outside the office in Box Hill

So there's this new girl who's a friend's gf responded on this ad I posted on FB in regards to my relocation to Malaysia/ Singapore.

Yes, relocation. That just scared the shit out of me.. How did I even get here. Packing, purging belongings that defined me for the past 5 years and possibly starting anew in somewhere foreign.. To me at least.

It just dawned on me last Friday to find out WHERE exactly in Singapore do buses from Malaysia to Singapore stop!

Yet again I'm not a first time migrant/resident to a foreign land. I'm pretty sure I can cope, hopefully thrive and eventually call home.

So I've worked in quite a few places in these 5 years and my employers have been, on the whole, treated me really well so far. Among them are 2 businesses ran by a really caring couple. Coincidentally, my friend's gf is currently working in PO.

Some discussions here and there for her to transition to this new place of employment. She, for one, doesn't want to make my previous employer to get mad for her discussion, as anyone would. From that she told me that my previous employer was angry that they "took" me away before Christmas.

....

For some reason, this sits really uncomfortably with me.

They were really supportive when I left for greener pastures.

I left before December and helped them out in their BB during the week leading up to Christmas..

He doesn't have a say in my departure anyway. I was on casual employment, all the whole 3 years, being paid significantly lower than minimum wage. Albeit, I was grateful to have been employed by them and I did agree to the terms of employment.

If he wanted me to stay, he could have offered me full time employment which I did ask, to which he said no to. If at that time, not knowing how much I'll learn being in the new place of employment. If he were to hire me full time, I would have stayed.

I would say this is a blameless incident.

I did not do anything wrong by leaving as I was on casual employment. I did ask if he wanted to hire me full time, which he declined.

Yet, I still feel uncomfortable about them being angry at my current place of employment.

As time swoops by..

13 January 2013 • 9.27pm • sitting on the steps from Southern Cross Station

So it has been a long time since I've checked in with myself.. It really takes a while to ease myself into this state of mind.

I just got off the train from Box Hill, after work. It's certainly more enjoyable showing up in an office without having the bosses around =) 

Speaking of bosses.. It brings me back to the reason of writing, I tendered my first formal resignation letter (with signatures and what not!) along with my 2 weeks' notice. I was supposed to send an email to them on Friday but chickened out, plus thought they were coming back today.. Oh well..

I tendered my resignation with a heavy heart. The thought of moving back to Malaysia/embarking on a new adventure in Singapore, paralyses me.. I feel blood draining from my face whenever this thought crosses my mind.

Yes, the unmistakable fear in my system drains me.. I guess I'll just spend the rest of my life asking myself if I've made the right decision.. 

I sincerely hope that I've made the right decision =(

My man =p

So we've booked in for mount kk next July. Really can't wait!

There's something about his paternalistic quality that makes me feel... Taken care of =)

Fwd: So... What now?

> It came up quite a bit today, in my head... Swallowing back the waves of tears and tried to act like a normal, not crazy human being.
>
> I am puttin my life on autopilot for a bit for you... The revised ETA to your crossroad simply meant that we have to WAIT longer for things to HAPPEN so that we can REACT to them.
>
> I really hate it. One of us need to just grow a sack and take a leap.. The thing is, neither one of us are happy with our current jobs.. Why are we still running on the same track that we both are not happy with?
>
> Actually, I'm just too cluttered by other distractions that I didn't realise that I have been given what I wanted. End of 2012, I prayed everyday to get a job and that my employer will pay for me to further my studies and sponsor me under business visa to keep me with them. Then I'll work super hard and be on my lovely way to get the PR that I was so frantic about... Well, am, so frantic about.
>
> Even though the specifics haven't been ironed out, my employer is willing to have a "conversation" about this. And she brought it up a couple of times.. She seemed more eager than I am.
>
> I should be happy. Heck, I could convince myself that I'm happy, why am I so greedy? Can't I just appreciate what I have with me and all it's greatness? Lol.
>
> Am I not just fooling myself with my foolish mirage of happiness?
>
> You noticed and call it as it is.. A good opportunity. Good is quite a strong term to be used in this context but yea, you identified that this opportunity is a good one. You asked if you should do ielts and come over here. If I were selfish I'd say hell ya. But you have a beef with starting from the bottom.. Doing admin/unrelated part time job for the first few years. I understand your frustration and annoyance with the prospect of this but really, Singapore sounded more and more u realistic when you mentioned about that car licence cost about $50,000 and that houses are too expensive for anyone.
>
> What kind of life would that be? Maybe I haven't been in that situation where I have a mortgage and overhead expenses for kids or car.. I would like to have stuff. Lol. As funny as that might sound, having stuff create this sense of security for the future.
>
> Speaking of security, security in Malaysia is appalling and basically non-existent. Why would people want to start a family back home baffles me. What's left of my thread of hope in the community & jurisdiction in Malaysia was obliterated when my childhood house was broken it twice.. On the flip side, there's more employment opportunity back home.
>
> I don't know, I'm complete lost.. Why can't people just tell me what to do!? I can't go to my parents coz they will ask me to go home. Perhaps I should just stay here.. Since I have chosen by elimination.. But I feel guilty for choosing this, if I am in fact choosing..
>
> Ahhhhhhh.... Who says that a choice had to be made. Why not just hop on the wagon when someone offered me a hand. Seems like it has already been chosen.
>
> Please please let me know that you'll come here to have a life with me.. Please please let there be an exciting and lucrative job offer here in Melbourne... Please please say that you'll come back to be with me.. Please please say that you'll choose me..
>
> .....Please please let our lives be wonderful.......

Fwd: So... What now?

>
> It came up quite a bit today, in my head... Swallowing back the waves of tears and tried to act like a normal, not crazy human being.
>
> I am puttin my life on autopilot for a bit for you... The revised ETA to your crossroad simply meant that we have to WAIT longer for things to HAPPEN so that we can REACT to them.
>
> I really hate it. One of us need to just grow a sack and take a leap.. The thing is, neither one of us are happy with our current jobs.. Why are we still running on the same track that we both are not happy with?
>
> Actually, I'm just too cluttered by other distractions that I didn't realise that I have been given what I wanted. End of 2012, I prayed everyday to get a job and that my employer will pay for me to further my studies and sponsor me under business visa to keep me with them. Then I'll work super hard and be on my lovely way to get the PR that I was so frantic about... Well, am, so frantic about.
>
> Even though the specifics haven't been ironed out, my employer is willing to have a "conversation" about this. And she brought it up a couple of times.. She seemed more eager than I am.
>
> I should be happy. Heck, I could convince myself that I'm happy, why am I so greedy? Can't I just appreciate what I have with me and all it's greatness? Lol.
>
> Am I not just fooling myself with my foolish mirage of happiness?
>
> You noticed and call it as it is.. A good opportunity. Good is quite a strong term to be used in this context but yea, you identified that this opportunity is a good one. You asked if you should do ielts and come over here. If I were selfish I'd say hell ya. But you have a beef with starting from the bottom.. Doing admin/unrelated part time job for the first few years. I understand your frustration and annoyance with the prospect of this but really, Singapore sounded more and more u realistic when you mentioned about that car licence cost about $50,000 and that houses are too expensive for anyone.
>
> What kind of life would that be? Maybe I haven't been in that situation where I have a mortgage and overhead expenses for kids or car.. I would like to have stuff. Lol. As funny as that might sound, having stuff create this sense of security for the future.
>
> Speaking of security, security in Malaysia is appalling and basically non-existent. Why would people want to start a family back home baffles me. What's left of my thread of hope in the community & jurisdiction in Malaysia was obliterated when my childhood house was broken it twice.. On the flip side, there's more employment opportunity back home.
>
> I don't know, I'm complete lost.. Why can't people just tell me what to do!? I can't go to my parents coz they will ask me to go home. Perhaps I should just stay here.. Since I have chosen by elimination.. But I feel guilty for choosing this, if I am in fact choosing..
>
> Ahhhhhhh.... Who says that a choice had to be made. Why not just hop on the wagon when someone offered me a hand. Seems like it has already been chosen.
>
> Please please let me know that you'll come here to have a life with me.. Please please let there be an exciting and lucrative job offer here in Melbourne... Please please say that you'll come back to be with me.. Please please say that you'll choose me..
>
> .....Please please let our lives be wonderful.......

So... What now?

1 Aug 2013 (Thursday) • 6.29pm • box hill enroute to Melb central

So, we had a short 2 hour talk yesterday.. About the future. Lol, how did things so hard to stomach?

I really do feel a little sick thinking a this topic.


Sent from my iPhone

Re: my psychic experience, again

13 July 2013 • 12.08am • yami yami, off hardware lane.

So this is not the first time

Birthday gifts

16 June 2013 • 6.53pm • The Celtic Club Melbourne (la trobe/queen)

Lonely, I really do feel lonely, especially this time around.

It's one of the loneliest that I've been since the unfortunate birthday that everyone forgotten and dad got a pathetic CD of music that I don't care for from pasar malam.

Oh Sorry, I shan't be this harsh to my dad since he did provide and support me since the day when I was born and stuff.

Happy Father's Day to you daddy. May you always feel loved and cared for.

So the past few weeks have been pretty shit. The roommate has been throwing tantrum and bringing boys to OUR room to consummate their premarital sexual relations. I'm not quick to judge, being in the same boat and all, just that I did make it abundantly clear about me feeling uncomfortable about her bringing her newly labeled bf to OUR room. Evidently my feeling is of little importance to her.

Afterall I did TRY TO LIGHTEN HER FINANCIAL BURDEN AND ALL.

That aside, the bf not being here really took a piece of heart away. Feeling incomplete, at a dead end job, with a inconsiderate roommate, not being loved and respected in the mag,I am in fact feeling pathetic. Being in a beautiful city that I love and feeling empty is such a waste. Why can't I truly feel happy... Having a full time that I prayed and prayed for so hard same time last year.

How time can change... Why can't I be happy living in the moment.

Such a loser I am, can't even govern my feelings properly. Pathetic excuse of a human being.

Super pathetic. Always feeling depressed over stupid little things.

Why can't I be stronger and do more in my life?

Why am I always looking back to feel stupid about the decisions I make?

That's why I don't feel like celebrating my birthday. There is absolutely nothin about me that people can celebrate about me. In these 25 years, i have done nothing that I have been proud of. Never accomplished anything and cruising through life has been my strong suit.

Think I'm just gonna exist in isolation like the lotus eater later years for the rest of my life... Affect no one, harming no one with my idiotic idealism of a positively simple world.

Nothing is simple in this life apparently.



Sent from my iPhone

Tears of hatred

As anger overflows out of her pain-filled heart, she can't help but feel blistering waves of hatred rushed to her throat..

More often than not, she finds that the green-eyed monster in her can't help but sneer hostilely at lovey-dovey couples, whiling choking back the tears of jealousy, resentment and love she once had.

Hate/Love relationship

So the talk we had was uneventful..

... Well maybe not uneventful but at least you have now cleared any shadow of doubt that I have.

Since I came to the realisation and acceptance that our goals are no long aligned, your suggestion to "continue talking about it" renders me helpless. What's the point of "talking about it" when a decision has been made? Isn't this just a colossal waste of time?

More importantly, are we... A waste of time?

This is tiresome. Even you agree that we are unhappy in our current predicament. Being 6378km away does take a toll on us.. As I said, both of us being adamant and contented about our lives are not going to bring us any closer.. Wishful thinking doesn't physically unite 2 people too.

At least now I know that you have no intention of coming back to Melbourne in the next 2.5 years. The flashes of mirage of us being together in Melbourne; being silly together, cooking the simple meals like we did; sitting by the riverbank overlooking the river; be in each others' arms in a cold cold winter night will remain images that I conjured up in my stupid little weak mind.

There is not a day that passes by that I don't think of you by my side. Sometimes I even speak of you like you're beside me going through/seeing what I see. Then I'll have to remind myself that there's 6378km between us and you're not next to me.

Now that you've put your thoughts out into the ether, there are no backsies. I don't wanna live another day without you.. I don't wanna live in an environment where I'm robbed of my sense of belonging and security either. Remember the last time I was back in msia, it was around 7pm and a simple request of taking a stroll in the park is considered "too dangerous".

I'm robbed either way.. What's the point of choosing? By the looks of it, I have more to loose in the latter.

Emma's right. It doesn't matter how many wonderful/happy memories you have together, it will come a day that you'll exhaust your database of these tear-jerkingly diabetic memories and all that's left is yourself, drenched in tears, alone.

I imagine that if I return to settle back in msia, I'll resent the fact that I did. I'll hate the polluted air, the warm climate, the stupid & ridiculous heavy traffic, the low salary & currency, the crime, the constant alert for kidnappers and burglars.. I'll hate you too for not being strong and brave enough to embark on this adventure with me.

How romantic could this have been!!!

We could have been living on a meagre salary but this meagre salary was earned with our bare hands.. Where we'll be happy in our own little world, where you'll be mine again.

I guess it boils down to the fear of losing you. Losing you to everyone else and I'm left with nothing.

Maybe I do not mean as much to u as I made it out to be. Maybe this ridiculous plan of settling down together is too much to ask for, too much sacrifices had to be made for it to happen; for us to happen.

Now that you have clearly stated your reasons to stay put, the ball is in my yard and a decision has to be made.

The thing is, I could have let sleeping dogs lie.. But I didn't. On the other hand, the suspense is clearly chipping my patience at an unprecedented rate. My stomach churns and I'll be overcame by a vortex of confusion, hatred, love, anger, fear, longing.. Spiralling in a cesspool of negative thoughts. I'll subsequently feel guilty and disgusting for being the obstacle separating us from our happily ever after.

You asked if you are the one that is holding me back. How can you not be a major reason in my life choices? You are a part of me.

I don't think the feeling is mutual

My Blue Skies

19 May 2013 • 2pm • Southern Cross Station

.. And then there were days like these that utterly blew your mind.

Express to June.

14 May 2013 • Box Hill Train Station • 6.34pm

Akanisi, my colleague from the opposite cubicle in office turned to me sharply, eyes widened she whispered harshly : "Jun! it's June soon! Can you believe it?"

I too, infected by her disbelief, took a moment to think. Wow. Here I am, middle of May.. Where did all that time go?

So I guess much has changed since I last sat down in the public sphere alone with my thoughts. For starters, I had this whole phase of weighing the opportunity cost between $70 and 30 minutes/day of my life more to spend on public transport. If you think about it, it's quite a sizable chunk off my meager salary.

To put it into context, it's between 1 FULL BODY MASSAGE + $10 to spare for foot spa per month

versus

Leaving the house at 8.30am instead of 8am + reaching home around 7pm as compare to 7.30pm.

As you can see, the decision was tough to make. In the first 2 months, I have take various routes to save myself $3 per day.

Route 1:
10-15 minutes walk to Collins/Spencer.
1 hour on 109 tram to Box Hill

Route 2: *preferred
7 minutes walk to Flagstaff Station
10 minutes - take any train to North Melbourne
45 minutes on 109 tram to Box Hill

Route 3:
7 minutes walk to Flagstaff Station
35 minutes Lilydale/Belgrave train to Mont Albert
10 minutes walk to Whitehorse Rd
8 minutes 109 or 00 Kew depot tram to Box Hill

All that effort to save $70/month. Well, anything is better that the nauseating bus ride to and fro Box Hill from Clayton. THAT, was bad. It was sweet that he offered to "buy me time", by paying my zone 1 + 2, 28 days pass.

He's sweet like that.

I guess your worldview do change as you're growing older and figuring out your own mean of subsistence. It's hard to part with $70 now. Given 5 years ago, I wouldn't have think twice about this agonising matter that I debated for 4 months.

Mother's Day was last Sunday. Spoke quite a bit with mom.. I was quite shock when she suggested that I should go on a work and travel thing while I'm young. Come to think of it, I have been consistently shocked by my mom's suggestions about what I should do "while I'm still young".

"Go travel the world. I could turn back time, I would be a air hostess, tour guide or something else I'd do to travel the world", she said. "God only knows where I'd be now!".

"If only my grams have told her when she was younger, my life would be completely different from now", she said with regret.

I have been thinking for a while now. Where was the invincible 15 year old whom I once knew? Her eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as she declared with such conviction that she will be a successful lawyer helping those who needed a hand to maneuver in those ironically unscrupulous legal battlefields.

She is gone now and all that's left are these dimly marbled eyes, dragging her willowed husk to and fro from the seemingly busy but empty life in a foreign land; signifying a broken promise of the cotton candy skies.


Sent from my iPhone

Santucci, carnegie

14 July 2012 • 1.49pm • Santucci, Carnegie

Having our last brunch for at least a few weeks...

Food is alright but tmr will suck

=(

Sent from my iPhone

Hate this shyt.

10 July 2012 * 3.55pm * Glenny's Dinning Table

Maybe I still haven't gotten over the fact that Lit has already bought the ticket back home and he's definitely flying home this Sunday. I'm so angry at the whole situation... why can't he find a job here... why can't he just get his fcking ielts and get a PR... Why is the system so tough. It's not like he wasn't trying.. he tried and he didn't get it.. I don't think it's his fault and this country is anal about chasing away the best and brightest. Fck that.

... The fact is I'm so tired of fighting against the odds to stay afloat while desperately clinging to the stuff and people that I love and treasure. I do admit I haven't put up my best fight for myself... I'm just angry that after the time and effort put into getting his ielts, that he didn't get what he deserved.

Life is not supposed to be this tough... is it?

... and really, I don't know when we'll be able to get together.. again. Fck.

..................................


On another note, I was travelling to the city to meet up with the magazine gang as usual at around 10 in the morning. As usual, I walked to Clayton/North Rd to catch a bus to Huntingdale station. I was so caught up with writing an email to Antony that I almost missed the green light for pedestrian at the junction. A guy in the trailer honked at me to ask me to cross the road. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up in return.


Glad to know that there are still good Samaritans in the world =)

Frustration besieged...

25 June 2012 * 7.40am * Glenny's Living Room

Life is such. Just as I begin to forget that Lit's going back to Malaysia for good, reality creeps back to bug me.

It sucks.

It really does.