As anger overflows out of her pain-filled heart, she can't help but feel blistering waves of hatred rushed to her throat..
More often than not, she finds that the green-eyed monster in her can't help but sneer hostilely at lovey-dovey couples, whiling choking back the tears of jealousy, resentment and love she once had.
So the talk we had was uneventful..
... Well maybe not uneventful but at least you have now cleared any shadow of doubt that I have.
Since I came to the realisation and acceptance that our goals are no long aligned, your suggestion to "continue talking about it" renders me helpless. What's the point of "talking about it" when a decision has been made? Isn't this just a colossal waste of time?
More importantly, are we... A waste of time?
This is tiresome. Even you agree that we are unhappy in our current predicament. Being 6378km away does take a toll on us.. As I said, both of us being adamant and contented about our lives are not going to bring us any closer.. Wishful thinking doesn't physically unite 2 people too.
At least now I know that you have no intention of coming back to Melbourne in the next 2.5 years. The flashes of mirage of us being together in Melbourne; being silly together, cooking the simple meals like we did; sitting by the riverbank overlooking the river; be in each others' arms in a cold cold winter night will remain images that I conjured up in my stupid little weak mind.
There is not a day that passes by that I don't think of you by my side. Sometimes I even speak of you like you're beside me going through/seeing what I see. Then I'll have to remind myself that there's 6378km between us and you're not next to me.
Now that you've put your thoughts out into the ether, there are no backsies. I don't wanna live another day without you.. I don't wanna live in an environment where I'm robbed of my sense of belonging and security either. Remember the last time I was back in msia, it was around 7pm and a simple request of taking a stroll in the park is considered "too dangerous".
I'm robbed either way.. What's the point of choosing? By the looks of it, I have more to loose in the latter.
Emma's right. It doesn't matter how many wonderful/happy memories you have together, it will come a day that you'll exhaust your database of these tear-jerkingly diabetic memories and all that's left is yourself, drenched in tears, alone.
I imagine that if I return to settle back in msia, I'll resent the fact that I did. I'll hate the polluted air, the warm climate, the stupid & ridiculous heavy traffic, the low salary & currency, the crime, the constant alert for kidnappers and burglars.. I'll hate you too for not being strong and brave enough to embark on this adventure with me.
How romantic could this have been!!!
We could have been living on a meagre salary but this meagre salary was earned with our bare hands.. Where we'll be happy in our own little world, where you'll be mine again.
I guess it boils down to the fear of losing you. Losing you to everyone else and I'm left with nothing.
Maybe I do not mean as much to u as I made it out to be. Maybe this ridiculous plan of settling down together is too much to ask for, too much sacrifices had to be made for it to happen; for us to happen.
Now that you have clearly stated your reasons to stay put, the ball is in my yard and a decision has to be made.
The thing is, I could have let sleeping dogs lie.. But I didn't. On the other hand, the suspense is clearly chipping my patience at an unprecedented rate. My stomach churns and I'll be overcame by a vortex of confusion, hatred, love, anger, fear, longing.. Spiralling in a cesspool of negative thoughts. I'll subsequently feel guilty and disgusting for being the obstacle separating us from our happily ever after.
You asked if you are the one that is holding me back. How can you not be a major reason in my life choices? You are a part of me.
I don't think the feeling is mutual
14 May 2013 • Box Hill Train Station • 6.34pm
Akanisi, my colleague from the opposite cubicle in office turned to me sharply, eyes widened she whispered harshly : "Jun! it's June soon! Can you believe it?"
I too, infected by her disbelief, took a moment to think. Wow. Here I am, middle of May.. Where did all that time go?
So I guess much has changed since I last sat down in the public sphere alone with my thoughts. For starters, I had this whole phase of weighing the opportunity cost between $70 and 30 minutes/day of my life more to spend on public transport. If you think about it, it's quite a sizable chunk off my meager salary.
To put it into context, it's between 1 FULL BODY MASSAGE + $10 to spare for foot spa per month
versus
Leaving the house at 8.30am instead of 8am + reaching home around 7pm as compare to 7.30pm.
As you can see, the decision was tough to make. In the first 2 months, I have take various routes to save myself $3 per day.
Route 1:
10-15 minutes walk to Collins/Spencer.
1 hour on 109 tram to Box Hill
Route 2: *preferred
7 minutes walk to Flagstaff Station
10 minutes - take any train to North Melbourne
45 minutes on 109 tram to Box Hill
Route 3:
7 minutes walk to Flagstaff Station
35 minutes Lilydale/Belgrave train to Mont Albert
10 minutes walk to Whitehorse Rd
8 minutes 109 or 00 Kew depot tram to Box Hill
All that effort to save $70/month. Well, anything is better that the nauseating bus ride to and fro Box Hill from Clayton. THAT, was bad. It was sweet that he offered to "buy me time", by paying my zone 1 + 2, 28 days pass.
He's sweet like that.
I guess your worldview do change as you're growing older and figuring out your own mean of subsistence. It's hard to part with $70 now. Given 5 years ago, I wouldn't have think twice about this agonising matter that I debated for 4 months.
Mother's Day was last Sunday. Spoke quite a bit with mom.. I was quite shock when she suggested that I should go on a work and travel thing while I'm young. Come to think of it, I have been consistently shocked by my mom's suggestions about what I should do "while I'm still young".
"Go travel the world. I could turn back time, I would be a air hostess, tour guide or something else I'd do to travel the world", she said. "God only knows where I'd be now!".
"If only my grams have told her when she was younger, my life would be completely different from now", she said with regret.
I have been thinking for a while now. Where was the invincible 15 year old whom I once knew? Her eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as she declared with such conviction that she will be a successful lawyer helping those who needed a hand to maneuver in those ironically unscrupulous legal battlefields.
She is gone now and all that's left are these dimly marbled eyes, dragging her willowed husk to and fro from the seemingly busy but empty life in a foreign land; signifying a broken promise of the cotton candy skies.
Sent from my iPhone
14 July 2012 • 1.49pm • Santucci, Carnegie
Having our last brunch for at least a few weeks...
Food is alright but tmr will suck
=(
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10 July 2012 * 3.55pm * Glenny's Dinning Table
Maybe I still haven't gotten over the fact that Lit has already bought the ticket back home and he's definitely flying home this Sunday. I'm so angry at the whole situation... why can't he find a job here... why can't he just get his fcking ielts and get a PR... Why is the system so tough. It's not like he wasn't trying.. he tried and he didn't get it.. I don't think it's his fault and this country is anal about chasing away the best and brightest. Fck that.
... The fact is I'm so tired of fighting against the odds to stay afloat while desperately clinging to the stuff and people that I love and treasure. I do admit I haven't put up my best fight for myself... I'm just angry that after the time and effort put into getting his ielts, that he didn't get what he deserved.
Life is not supposed to be this tough... is it?
... and really, I don't know when we'll be able to get together.. again. Fck.
..................................
On another note, I was travelling to the city to meet up with the magazine gang as usual at around 10 in the morning. As usual, I walked to Clayton/North Rd to catch a bus to Huntingdale station. I was so caught up with writing an email to Antony that I almost missed the green light for pedestrian at the junction. A guy in the trailer honked at me to ask me to cross the road. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up in return.
Glad to know that there are still good Samaritans in the world =)
25 June 2012 * 7.40am * Glenny's Living Room
Life is such. Just as I begin to forget that Lit's going back to Malaysia for good, reality creeps back to bug me.
It sucks.
It really does.
8.28pm * 18 June 2012 * Glenny's Kitchen
Yesterday, I was 24 years old. It was really lovely... the way Lit planned the day.. Slotted in a full body massage near Melbourne Central and it was fantabulous! lol... the masseur, a relatively young Chinese lady touched my neck and said "oo, your shoulders are really stiff and your legs are tired!". Yea, no kidding. Been working on 9am-8pm shifts few days in a row will do THAT to you.. let alone to a 24 year old body.
lol. I was rocking shifts like those throughout Summer of 2009 and if memory serves me right, I was up and ready to work the very next day. Hell, I can even make time for gym sessions after a day's work.
Last month during Lit's birthday, I was so puzzled by his sudden melancholy. We have been demotivated and stressed about the uneventful job hunt for sure but he had always put up a tough and positive front... Maybe he had been my rock for too long that I took him for granted. He's just a human being... like me.
I, too, felt that melancholy has enveloped me. It's hard not to think about stuff that you have not achieved.. Jobless and living in limbo... the cherry on top was to have your boyfriend leave the country for good... by the end of this month. Leaving... after your birthday. All the more reason to cast a grey cloud over your birthday. But if by participating and having something to celebrate can serve as a temporary bandaid over the pandora's box of problems.. I'll gladly oblige.
The day was just that. Had a great lunch date in Shoya on Lt Bourke St... the Set Lunch was $38 and MASSIVE. We had to skip and run over from Melbourne Central to Shoya because I got a complimentary 10 minutes from Royal City Oriental Massage =)) The Massage was worth every cents! I think the lady got so worked up trying to rid me of my butt knots. Really. Apparently the knots near my hips and butts area were troubling. Wonder what I did to cause that...
Lit went to through the trouble to get Jing Yi and Cheer Ray out of their respective lives to have a drink with me in Koko Black.. So tempted to have that saliva-inducing Ice Mocha but my stomach was at its capacity after the bountiful afternoon degustation! Gahh!! I'll shall have that in my next visit then =( It's great seeing the couple of them again.. It's been a while.. I found out how much Jing Yi has grown! From whining over the nauseating train ride to Clayton to visit me.. to working in Springvale 5 days a week. Boy, we would do anything for a job huh?
Anyway, we then headed home for the 'surprise' party.. which let's face it.. it's pretty much expected. It was great having friends over.. enjoying a good meal cooked by Lit.. pork ribs, chicken wings, salmon wrapped in rice paper and garlic bread.. The best part was the ice cream cake baked by Lit. That guy.. for a first time baker.. he HAD to choose something THAT HARD. The truth is, I'm so proud of him... =)) He really made that Betty Crocker devil chocolate cake his own!
If you're reading this, think you might has noticed the change of tone half way through this post. Even though I would love to dwell on the past wrong-doings.. but really it doesn't do anyone any good. The important part is to pick yourself up and soldier on right? Think I'mma get a rubber band around my wrist and 'snap' away these negative thoughts.
In fact, I think The Malaysian Magazine is sort of like a birthday present, for me to do good by me. lol.. if that even make sense. It won't be easy but I have faith in Joyce =) lol. She'll be the great leader to lead us on~
Well, being 24 years and 1 day old today.. I think I should focus on what I can do to make my life better. Think it'll just be a beginning of my obstacle-filled but exciting future =)
1 June 2012 * 11.39am * Glenny's
I'm furious!!!
It's just not fair!!!
Lit's been busting his ass off studying for that stupid ielts. Bull crap man. 9*8*8*7.5? Bull shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Is it me or it's weird to see Lea Michele playing opposite Ashton kutcher is NYE 2012..
So used to seeing Rachel Berry on Glee... Felt like Ashton's a paedo....... And Russell Peter is awesome!!!!! So many stars!!!
... Felt a little late but I'm star struck =))))
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Date: 30 May 2012 * Time: 12.16am * Location: Glenny's
If you're anything like me who is currently lost after the previous season of TV series left you with no directions but have not actually caught on with the new season... AND you've exhausted your back up series such as Downton Abbey for me =p.. Try Misfits! I've given it a try and loved it!
It's Heroes... but the Brit's version is way WAY better. If you're into stuff like Skins (season 1 & 2), think you'll love this too =)
There's heaps of dead people, swearing, travelling back in time, blood splatters, disgusting blowing the brains out humour... was a little off putting initially but grew to be a little more intriguing as you catch on..~
It's the first time since I first came to Melb to step into a swimming pool... Felt so light!! Dreaded the feeling of coming out from the pool to have to deal with my own weight again =(
Sent from my iPhone
10.44am * 9 May 2012 * Glenny's
Really, if I WERE to have a kid like Jake from Touch, I won't have the patience to deal with him as that Bohm dad does in the tv series.
Was thinking about the idea of newer technology.. how it's making people more sentimental.. the permanence of digital media such as CD, VCD, DVD and subsequently blu-ray that is bigger, better and much much clearer. Soon enough we'll be able to store and reproduce 3D items if it's not already on the market.
Other technology that enable people to send and receive REAL HUGS and
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