I'm An Accident? Your Mistake.

Location: B12.3A

Slacking my days away is MY way of life. I'm not really good at sticking to a thing/chore for a long time. I enjoy reading, eating and watching English series throughout the day. Oh, like today, I watched Sex and The City from season 4 – season 6 in one gulp. Yup, it’s fun.

I’m known to be capable of juggling few things at the same time, so I figure I’ll blog while watching English series. Sex in the City kind of reminds me of Desperate Housewives that I watched so religiously for the past week.

Anyway, watching the lives of 4 successful ladies living their exciting lives in the Big Apple, noticing how they grow and stuff stirred up some unwanted memories.

OK, I had to admit, I was young and naïve and stupid for wanting to be the girls on the screens. The fact is I am a Malaysian Chinese, the virtues that are tattooed in my DNA taught me conservative stuffs like it’s forbidden to have Sex before marriage and if you noticed that I spelt ‘sex’ in capital letters, it’s because from where I’m standing, I don’t think I’ll be able to get it for the foreseeable future.

I recalled my first (till present) real life relationship that involved more than just holding hands, watching movies and stuff. The think is I didn’t know he was one until I know him. I have myself to blame for letting myself freefall into him. He asked me to ‘not love me too much’.

Love is uncountable. It’s not like I love you 90 units and love him 75 units. My god! I even freaking believed you when you said “I don’t think we are working out because of our skin colors”. If you were a MAN, whom I thought you were, you would be brave enough to crush me. I’m like all gal, I may look fragile, I’m uncrush-able.

The thing I regret most about is actually giving him underrated first kiss. I didn’t feel loved, not even the legendary ‘pop’. On the contrary, felt cheap and used because I’m an amateur in that field. I can’t help but think that if I were who/what I’ve become now, I’d screw him and not feel so bad about that stupid break-up.

The thing that hurt me most is that I heard from MY close friends that I AM AN ACCIDENT??!!!!

Wtf man! I know the whole thing went sour due to me being inexperience in this kinda thing. To think that I’d even shed a fucking tear for you and blamed myself for everything!!!

To add insult to injury, after the whole freaking issue about the RACE, I just had to see you with another girl from our hometown with my close friends! It’s like not enough that you insult me by lying about the freaking break-up, you just have to reassure me that I’m a total failure.

I just want you to know that you really scarred me for good. I can see another couple kiss to feel that disgusting kiss that you put me through that made me feel cheap. To think that you proposed that we take a step into third base is unbelievably shameless of you.

Though I know that you’ll have an inevitably bright future ahead of you and I truly hope that we will NEVER cross paths again in the future.