Are We Even Living For Ourselves Anymore?

Location: Bro's Bedroom, Ipoh.

First things first, no, today the sun will not rise from the north, so NO, I didn't just woke up at 6 in the morning.

Ok, lame dry humor aside, I just cannot shake the conversation mom, dad and I had yesterday (at dinner in Wei Choy around 8:30pm just after dad brought Ah Pi out for a walk... Wait, was I being a little too specific? hehe... Anyways,) mom and I have been pushing each others' buttons yesterday.

Since yesterday morning she kicked me outa bed at 10:30am,11:30am, 11:49am, 12:15pm and I finally woke up at 12:30pm... I am always grumpy & moody in the morning so when she poked fun of me, my body reacted by overproducing hormones that made me EXTRA emo.

Yes, I got all teared up and fought back by lashing out stuff like "It's been 2 weeks that I've been home and you keep talking about this same freaking issue EVERYDAY and for the first 100 times you said that, I tried very freaking hard to NOT bite back... But you keep going on and on and on with this and it's really getting on my nerves OK?! Now I don't only find it HURTFUL, I HAD to rebut to protect what little SELF CONFIDENCE I have left intact with me now... SO freaking SHUT UP already!!!"

Well, that's what I said... It's just that it's in Mandarin and less organized.


She was really taken aback to see me snapped just like that, but I don't regret saying that coz she didn't bring up the issue again for the rest of the day. BUT NO, she just had to find some ways to EXPRESS her ability to fight with her HIGHLY functional tongue of hers. Since I'm home, I'm the hamster/sitting duck sitting in a cage...

We argued about the things that she put in my room (it's HER temporary extented storeroom now) and the things that she put in bro's wardrobe (all the winter clothing and shit -- What sparked that? I merely suggested that she should put the winter clothing in her newly built closet and she told me the long grandmother story of bro not being in the house and the space is just alright for the unused winter clothing) Then some some titter-tatter, I avoided her for the rest of the day.... til dinner that is.

Dad's not out of town and that's pretty rare for us, so I made it a point to not eat with granny and godmom earlier on to have dinner with my immediate, closest family.

To make conversation, she told dad that if I hadn't promised to go for the function, I would have taken part in that rally 2 weeks ago... and Dad gave me that LOOK (that he's famous for when he despises, strongly disagrees, looks down, angry about something, etc) and asked: "what are you trying to prove? Are you trying to be like your Er Yi?"

-- long story about my er yi... --

I ducked and avoided the whole topic and pretended that I was SOOO into that football match (Liverpool vs New Castle United which Liverpool won 3-0) and didn't hear him say anything. He said and I quote...

"Don't do stupid stuff la, we spend so much money on you for you to go to Monash to study..."

That eager beaver sitting opposite me JUST CAN'T WAIT to give me her 50 cents...

"Yealor, yealor. What if you got caught? What would mommy and daddy do? You're just 19 ok?"

... All I heard was *mummbbleee* *fummbleeee*... Ok, I have to admit, I was a little childish using that description, but why did I keep quiet while they desperately tried to share with me their oh-so-very-koreck-thoughts?

The thing about my family is that, there are some things that CAN & CANNOT be spoken out loud cause they will use their "I've been in the world for more than *how-many-years*" and "I have eaten salt more that you have eaten rice...". No, I do not doubt their experiences and judgments but they won't understand what is it like to WANT to do something like what I wanted to do... It's frown upon... and it is always a potentially fatal spark for any ferocious arguments, at anytime in my family.

She came up with three really genius principles which no doubt that she had came up on the spot saying...

"there are 3 ways to support something 1st being financially, 2nd being mentally and 3rd being action (coz "physically" slipped her mind I presume) AND all we should never never choose is taking action... It's not for US..."

I wanted so desperately to ask, what do you mean by US? Do you mean OUR family? Do you mean the CHINESE community from around here? Or you're just referring to those who are 'dumb' (can't speak)? WHY should we keep quiet IF we feel strongly about something?

Instead, I know better but I replied: "typical Chinese mentality".
(and that totally fired dad up...)

WHY didn't I ask all these question??

Coz I'm born and raised in this family. Coz I know that we're in a public place and IF I talk back, ALLLLL the drama that you can find on TVB will be presented live... Coz I'm brought up in a traditionally Urban Chinese family.

too complicated?

According to my parents, WE, as children, no longer live OUR lives anymore. WE live for our parents and ancestors. WE live FOR our "kind"... Just like it's frown upon to marry non-Chinese like Indians and Malays BUT those Mat Sallehs are totally accepted here. If we committed suicide or wasn't careful with our behavior (say, had sex before marriage) we'll not only put ourselves to shame, we'll drag along a WHOLE BIG BUNCHA BAGGAGE down with us... We'll be considered as irresponsible to our parents, their parents and their parents' parents...


Like who started this crap anyways? WHY do we need to trouble ourselves by considering the imaginary chain binding you from doing what your heart YEARNS to do and strongly know that it's correct to begin with? Is this social system having positive influences on fields other than morality and cognitive rationality? More importantly, is this posing a threat (other than being nurtured with STRONG self censorship) to freedom of speech, freedom of happiness and freedom of EXPRESSION? Maybe they say is true, social norms CAN change people's rationality...

Would the future of mankind be any better IF people start to live for THEMSELVES?

p/s: After the whole shebang, mom and I resolved the whole me giving her the cold shoulder thing after the VERY CRAZY shopping in Uda Ocean, Ipoh. I don't know which is crazier. The fact that people spend money like water to buy normal, VERY normal stuff or the fact that shopping therapy works in my family EVERYTIME... Says who Money can't buy happiness?